I want to love. I want to love so whole-heartedly and entirely that it hurts because I can.t get that love out fast enough. I want to love like people dream about..how people who propose know so deep down that it.s that specific person they want for the rest of their godforsaken life.
..I want to love as if there is nothing else. I want to hold someone and feel complete alongside them. I just want to love.
I want to love like they sing about on the stereo. I want to understand someone so deeply that I.m not sure where I end and the other person begins.
But most of all, I just want to love. I want to know my heart is capable of such a feeling that fills the books I.ve read and songs that have been stuck in my head that are playing over and over and over....and over. Like the songs that are hidden in the grooves of that new vinyl I.ve been eyeing. ...I haven,t even thought about listening to another since my favourite album broke last year. And yeah, I could download the tracks so I don.t have to worry about that again and will still have the songs, but that would only be decoy so I wouldn.t have to face the fact that it.s broken. ..I broke it.
"Desire" was the title track that always broke my heart. God, it made me sing, and cry, and laugh...and by the end of it, I.d be on the floor, weak and vulnerable....but feeling so incredibly alive that nothing else mattered. It was my Hail Mary on a bad day. I could play it over and over and I would. Every day. Let me tell you, when I heard the song live, it was the most exhilerating experience I.ve ever lived. Until one day, I set the needle down in the grooves again and the vinyl just....cracked. Instead of hearing all that love they sing about, I heard everything that had ever saved me break...and that.s exactly what I did.
And so even now, I think back to that song and how devastingly bad I wanted that song to be real and I tell myself "no. No more vinyls".
And so hear I sit, wanting so desparately to love like they loved...but too afraid to play it again.
"Desire"...that.s such a dirty word...isn.t it ? But mine is just to love..